Friday, December 11, 2009

Melancholy

Have you heard "Hometown Glory" by Adele? I am in love. This song seems to get right to me, in my thoughts about my life thus far. I've always had those certain songs that just make me cry, and this is one of them. Along with Coldplay, "Clocks" and U2 "beautiful day". Usually it's because I associate a memory to the song, but with "Hometown Glory" its a different feeling. When I break up the lyrics it seems clear why i'm left in this state of melancholy.


"I’ve been walking in the same way as I did
Missing out the cracks in the pavement
And tutting my heel and strutting my feet
“Is there anything I can do for you dear? Is there anyone I can call?”
“No and thank you, please Madam. I ain’t lost, just wandering”


When I was diagnosed with stage III Hodgkins Lymphoma it was November 8,2006. On November 9, 2006 I packed up my life in D.C. and moved home to Syracuse for treatment. It was a horrible thing to find out you have cancer one day and the next be completely turning your life upside down. In fact, I find it very hard to explain. I can remember standing in my bedroom in my off campus apartment with one of my dearest friends, Noel throwing all of my stuff in garbage bags. Thank god Noel was there to keep my mind off what we were actually doing. As I look back I don't even know how I was functioning. I didn't want to go home, leave my life in D.C. I love my home, my amazing friends and family, but Syracuse has always been a smothering environment for me. I felt when I had to drop out of college and move home for chemo that I was loosing what I had worked so hard to have for myself in Washington, my own life.

Anyways I tried my best to keep it together in the months following my return to Syracuse. And for the most part I would say I did so with dignity. However there were times where I need AIR and SPACE to cry and scream if I wanted to. So I spent those times aimlessly walking around my neighborhood..I really never had a destination or a goal in my walks other than I just need the AIR and SPACE to be by myself. I can remember cars slowing down as they drove by me, and I imagine I must have been quite the sight.


Round my hometown
Memories are fresh
Round my hometown
Ooh the people I’ve met
Are the wonders of my world
Are the wonders of my world
Are the wonders of this world
Are the wonders of my world


This next chunk of the song represent my more real feelings about home. My best friends in the world were born and raised in Liverpool, NY. They along with my family were the most amazing people during my treatment and time at home. They always have been and always will be. Without Tiff driving home 2 1/2 from Geneseo for every one of my chemo's. Or Christina, Jess and Phallon to come over and watch Greys with me on Thursdays I would have been completely lost. With Courtney, Sarah and Val always checking on me to make sure I was ok. My mom, dad, Becca, Carlton and Nana were amazing caretakers. They are all truly the wonders of my world.


I like it in the city when the air is so thick and opaque
I love to see everybody in short skirts, shorts and shades
I like it in the city when two worlds collide
You get the people and the government
Everybody taking different sides

Shows that we ain’t gonna stand shit
Shows that we are united
Shows that we ain’t gonna take it
Shows that we ain’t gonna stand shit
Shows that we are united"


And now this chunk is totally my life outside of "home" Since I was about 9 I would say-- I knew I did not want to live in upstate NY forever. I just knew it wasn't for me. These lyrics totally encompass what I love about city living. .

Oh I love Adele!<3

Monday, December 7, 2009

I've decided in the past few weeks to go ahead and apply to the University of Maryland's Master's in Social Work program (MSW). If all goes well and I am accepted I would be studying, Management and Community Organization (MACO) side of Social Work, I would not be looking to be a clinical social worker! (At least I don't think so as of now)

Over the past years i've contemplated going back to grad school on numerous occasions. I've gone back and forth between a Masters in Public Health , MSW and even a Masters in Public Policy. Something struck me last week while I was googling around at different programs...why wait I thought to myself? So rather than delaying- I've decided to move ahead with my application. It's a very exciting and comforting experience thus far! It's nice to commit mentally to one school and one program for now. The great thing is, if I decided I still wanted to do a dual MSW/MPH I can do my MPH at Hopkins post MSW! We shall see! In the mean time I have ordered transcripts, have 2 letters of reccomendation in progress and soon I will be writing my essay! My goal is to get by application in by January 31, 2010! Hold me to it readers :)

Besides the program the great thing about UMD is that it's what feels like home to me. Having spent 2003-2008 in the Baltimore/DC areas, and with Carltons family as well as my Uncle and his family, as well as my Aunt and her family and a bunch of close friends it really feels like a second home. Syracuse will always be my hometown, but DC is not too far behind. The idea of moving back and for Carlton and I to settle in to our life seems like a logical step, and it would be nice! But are we ready to settle down?!?

It's a confusing time to be nearly 25, living with my partner and loving my job in a city where I don't have many other ties!  Do we stay in Boston? Do we go?  Grad school now, later? Ahh the fun conversations Carlton and I get to have in the next few months!:):)

Funny how cancer changed things for both of us..I doubt if that lovely c word had not found it's way into our lives that we would be where we are...but who knows right? I have found faith and solace in everything that happens in my life. As long as I have my health, Carlton and Chaz- we'll be a ok!







Saturday, December 5, 2009

A Hope Lodge Weekend

Greeting from the AstraZeneca Hope Lodge in Boston! If your not familiar with the Hope Lodge, check out, http://www.cancer.org/docroot/subsite/hopelodge/MA_Boston/azc_index.asp. I am a weekend manager, which means about once a month I spend a weekend, from Friday at 5pm- Sunday at 5pm here! It's always a wonderful, yet emotional experience for me. This month marks my 1 year anniversary of working here, and it has been a growing expereince.

The Hope Lodge houses people going through treatment for cancer who are not from Boston, or the surrounding suburbs. We house patients and there families whom are traveling to Boston, many from very far away and would be spending 150+ a night if it were not for the FREE stay at the lodge. We have families here from 2-3 nights to 3 months. It truly is a beautiful thing, as the people who come stay are always so thankful and kind. (Of course there are some exceptions to the rule, and we do occasionally have people whom are not so grateful).


So in the past year my mentality about coming and working here has most definetly changed. In the beginning I think I felt closer to the suffering that I witness the weekend I am here. I could identify more with patients in the middle of chemo etc. But as I get farther away from treatment, it has become a different experience. I should also mention I am the only cancer survivor whom works at the Lodge, which makes it interesting! At the beginning I wouldn't share with guests my experience for fear of creating to much of a personal relationship, but I've realized me being candid about my health has offered a lot of inspiration and hope to guests here. As i've opened up about my cancer to guests here, it has also lent me to be more attached to the people. This has been tough on me and i'm working out how to make it not so tough..

I often times get overwhelmed when I leave on Sunday night. I attribute it to being stuck inside for 48 hours, having to put on a happy, smiling face - when sometimes i'd rather not. I always have a hard time sleeping the first night back home, and often times there a tears as I kind of have to let go of whatever I took in that weekend. For those of you who know me well, i've always been a very sensitive person. I would consider it one of my best qualities, because I always really feel for people, care for them etc. But I think I need to get a bit tougher of a shell, as i think about a career helping people in health crises, and hopefully getting a formal education in social work will help me. (more about that in my next blog)

I do have to share a special story from the Lodge however before I stop my blabbing. During my September weekend I met Pam. Pam had just arrived at the Lodge after being discharged from the hospital post- stem cell transplant. Her brother had been her donor, and the transplant was successful. Pam was staying at the Lodge with her mom, whom would be her lifeline- doing all of her cooking as post stem cell you cannot need anything that you do not make, because of the threat of bacteria. Pam is a middle aged woman from NYC, whom left behind her husband and teenage son to come to Boston for treatment. She is lovely, funny- kind and caring. We hit it off , realizing our diagnosis date was the same! Cancer rocked our world on the very same day..it's an interesting thing to ponder both of us shocked, our families, loved ones distraught the same day..

So we talked a lot her first weekend and I looked forward to seeing Pam and her mom Marilyn in October. When I arrived Halloween weekend Pam was one of the first faces I saw. She looked stronger, with more color and vitality than the month before. We again shared laughs and some good conversation. She turned me on to this ring that she and her mom had bought, I fell in love with it and bought one the next week to celebrate my 3 years since cancer rocked my world..
I left that weekend unsure if they would be around when I was back in December. Yesterday as I entered the Lodge I saw Pam, and I was so excited.."PAM! YAY! Your here!" And she looked at me with tears in her eyes and said, "Sarah, my leukemia is back". Right there, in the kitchen of the Hope Lodge we both just lost our breath. I struggled to find the words.."Ok, ok, Pam I am so sorry- but we'll keep fighting. It's ok- your having more treatment?" Pam replied, "yes, yes there going to try crazy stuff."

Fuck cancer...

Thursday, December 3, 2009

The Art of Cooking

Growing up in a close knit italian family that loved food, I learned at an early age that cooking was an art form, and that meals were the uniting force of our family culture. The Delaney clan (FYI were way more Italian looking than we look on paper) really came together in the kitchens that filled my childhood. My first memories are of my Nana and my Uncle Jo Jo cooking together on the North Side of Syracuse, in a kitchen that had been made in the basement of my Great Grandfathers house. The smell of garlic sauteing in olive oil would bring the family to it's feet! I strongly believe my traditional spirit of family and holidays come from these memories of creating a beautiful meal and enjoying it together with loved ones. 

I always had an interest in cooking, hanging around my Nana's knees in the kitchen as a kid to taking "lessons" from her through college. My mom is also a wonderful cook, who provided my sister and I with a hot meal almost every night through our childhood. So as I developed skills in the kitchen I often came to childhood staples for inspiration. 

Once I began college and became more aware of healthy cooking, it brought a set of challenges. I had grown up on pasta and italian bread! (No wonder I have always struggled with my weight :)) However I maintained my love of cooking, creating healthy weight friendly dinners for myself while keeping the traditional italian flavors I had grown up on. When I was diagnosed with cancer, I looked forward to having a lot of free time during chemo-therapy so I could cook! Unfortunately I could not stomach the strong smells I always loved, so it was best for me to stay out of the kitchen. There was a shift in my palate, I could no longer tolerate strong flavors and often ate baked potatoes or toast. This was very tough on me, as i'd worked hard to lose 50+ pounds in the 3 years prior to my diagnosis. With the steroids I was on, and the change in diet I slowly started to gain..

So here I stand today, back to a place where I am healthy, cooking and ... overweight. I have enjoyed the years I've spent developing my cooking skills since I've finished treatment; as cooking as now become an art of meditation for me. I treasure creating yummy dinners for Carlton and myself. I also take any opportunity I can to cook for family& friends. But i've lost the balance of my love for food, and maintaining a healthy weight. While I still cook very healthy using whole grains, and healthy oils, I feel I have some growing to do in terms of balance. I hope that I can find balance between my love of cooking and loosing weight! I've often felt I sacrifice one for the other, but I am on a mission to change that!

With the holidays upon us, I am loving every minute I have to cook- but keeping in mind the portions and nutrition of the food I am serving. As I mentioned how important laughter is, I believe cooking,family and tradition are medicine as well.

Ok off to make mushroom risotto for a potluck!:)
<3

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

A warm welcome!

So here I am day 2 of life as a blogger! I want to thank everyone for their support. It was so wonderful to get feedback from friends and family yesterday. You've all helped me through the past 3 years... your support and love is what keeps me going!

Last night Carlton (my beloved boyfriend of 3 1/2 years) and I were awakened at 2:30 a.m. by the sound of "unz, unz, unz, unz" booming from our neighbor downstairs. Now this is not the first time we have been shocked by her complete lack of concern for keeping us up- but it was the first early week night. I started to wonder, what kind of life does this girl live? Are we really that boring couple who can't let the girl have her fun? I layed in bed with Carlton debating going downstairs to remind this wonderful person that in fact our bedroom is right above her stereo, and that it was in fact 2:30 a.m. on a Tuesday! As I was letting frustration and anger get the best of me- Carlton returned to our room from a trip of pacing around the apartment. I looked at him, and he was dancing to the beat of the music booming through our floor, like he was at a rave- really into it...hips shaking and all. And instantly, all anger and frustration was out the window. I was hysterically laughing. In fact, I couldn't even stop laughing once we got back to bed-I had a serious case of the giggles, everytime I heard the "unz, unz, unz" I imagined Carlton in his pajamas dancing. :)

Carlton has a sense of humor that does well with all people, i've witnessed toddlers and seniors alike respond in a similar way. He often causes people to really laugh, the from your belly- can't keep it in kind of laughing. I attribute this daily laughter to my health, and well-being. He is truly able to change to mood or alleviate stress by the smallest act of humor.

Laughter has truly been my best medicine from diagnosis through remission, thank you Carlton for giving me my daily dose. I love you!

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

So I had this idea...

Well here I am posting my very first blog. Funny, I've been debating starting a blog for about 3 years now. And today, I bit the bullet! :) I was inspired to finally do so after chatting via bbm with a fellow Hodgkins survivor, who just finished her last radiation treatment. I was introduced to Amanda through a friend of a friend of a friend, I think.. we've never met- but the connection between us has been strong since our first conversation. I believe it has something to do with the instant connection that comes with a diagnosis of cancer as a young woman in your early twenties, as well as sharing the same fighting spirit. This young woman, Amanada and I were sharing our passion for doing something related to our cancer experience. I shared with her that my diagnosis has led me to a career in Public Health, as well as working for the American Cancer Society one weekend a month as a weekend manager for Boston's Astrazenece Hope Lodge. She expressed feelings that resognated strongly with me, ones I felt nearly 3 years ago as I finished my own treatment. Feelings of hope, strength and courage, as well as a sense of cancer giving her a chance to make her life exactly what she wanted, on her terms-- and most importantly paying it forward, in helping other young adult women diagnosed.

This sense of committment to our cause (Young Adult Women) is not shared only between Amanda and I. I have had numerous conversation with other survivors around the country via e-mail or through Planet Cancer retreats (I love Heidi Adams, fyi) whom share this passion but don't know where to start. I believe I fell into that category until very recently, but i've decided I may not know exactly how I can help other Feisty Survivors out there, but in time it will all be clear!


I do have to say another recent conversation pushed me to get moving on this journey.. I receieved news that a friend from elementary school had been diagnosed with uterine cancer in August, but only recently reached out to me. I was traveling home to Syracuse for Thanksgiving and we decided to meet. This news really hit me hard- as the news does anytime I hear about a young woman in her twenties is diagnosed, especially one I know. Hillary and I met for coffee at a Starbucks in my hometown of Liverpool, NY. As soon as she walked through the door her strength and courage kept me smiling! Although she was in the throws of Chemo-therapy, and recovering from significant surgeries she was full of light. We shared similar stories about family, our oncology teams, relationships with friends and partners. I believe we both walked away feeling stronger. The solidarity between young adult women diagnosed with cancer can not be replicated.

I hope that with this blog I can share stories of solidarity to inspire laughter and strength from one feisty survivor to another!